The Art of War

This morning I brought in the most delectable lunchtime treat: leftover hanger steak from my favorite restaurant. I carefully wrote my name and today's date on the container and put it in the fridge at work. at 12 when I opened the fridge, my devourable lunch was no where to be found. Prudence, do you have any tips for tracking down this delinquent and bringing him or her to justice? And what is my poor, lonely stomach to do now?

Signed,
Hungry and Angry but still polite


Dear Hungry,

I am trying very hard to control myself from going into a blind rage. Just hearing of such an injustice makes my sexy blood boil. If you remember I was voted sexiest bloodtype during the 2004 celebrity blood drive. The poll was taken on the back of a napkin that accompanied my second cookie the nurse gave me after I pretended to faint because they were only giving one cookie per person. I won after me and my nurse voted. (My vote was weighted at 75%) and I suppose I use the term celebrity a bit loosely, meaning a person who gives blood is a sort of celebrity because they have "servants" watching over them.

Anyway back to the topic on hand. Of course you are aware that swift retributive action is in order. The French would guillotine, the Germans would Blitzkrieg, a cave man would throw a rock at the perps head then kick its lifeless body wondering why it stopped moving. I know this because I spent a summer apast my sophomore year of college. (Yes my University was so advanced that our study abroad programs included time travel. Take a moment to be impressed... and then a second to be jealous... and now you can continue reading.) But I think the most successful method would be to

OH MY GOSH. I just taught myself how to simultaneously whistle and hum. I can finally form the accapella group of my dreams. (which means all the members are me) More importantly I can quit my pointless day job of developing life-like artificial limbs for amputees. This group will obviously make me a lot more money, and will give back much more to society.

Sorry Hungry, as you can plainly see I have very important matters to attend to. Good luck with... uh... whatever your problem is I forgot, did you think you were fat? Ok go to the plus size section of K-mart, Kathleen Ireland has a fabulous selection of floral print floor length skirts, and elastic wasteband jeans. Oh, I only know this because someone told me, I'm thin and beautiful and never was fat. Especially not in fourth grade, and no one ever made fun of me for not being able to zip up my pants.

Love as Forever,

Prudence Press the 10th

How are you Phillin'?

Dear Prudence, sometimes I can't stop listening to Phil Collins. Does this mean I am dying?

Sincerely,
Mimi with the Eyes that Sparkle.



Dear Mimi,

Yes.

Tulica vs. Tila Tequila

Dear Prudence, I've been wondering. Who would win in a fight between your lowly secretary Tulica and bisexual megastar Tila Tequila?

Signed,
Annxiously Day-dreaming.


Dear Annxiously,

I have often had many day dreams of my insubordinate wretch of a secretary caught in the losing end of a lame chick fight. However I have seen the young woman hoover down a slice of pizza or two and that bitch don't share (sa-nap!) The only fair way to settle this is to go through a step by step scenario of what would happen.

1.) Tila would go up to Tulica and ask her to be on her new TV reality show about girls mistaken for low class prostitutes.
2.) A just slightly insulted Tulica will say "I thought Chihuahuas could only talk on Taco Bell commercials, BURN! sizzle sizzle". And then immediately after she will remember she is hungry and sincerely ask where the nearest Taco Bell is. (in case you are slow, Tulica is attempting to offend the G-list celeb by likening her to a small dog because she thinks they look alike and finds small dogs to be unsavory)
3.) Tila would say, around the corner on 14th but then her producer would tell her she is being insulted and she would consult her reality TV writers, I mean producers, on what an appropriate comeback would be.
4.) Meanwhile Tulica would be half a block away attempting a subtle "walk-run" trying to hide her T-bell excitement. (though any passerby can see the truth in her nacho crazed eyes)
5.) Tila will realize Tulica is gone, try to catch up with her own subtle walk run but find herself lagging (Tulica is quite fast when the right motivation is in place) and eventually get on all fours and try to dart across the street at a red light at which point she will be hit by a cab who ironically has a bobbing head Chihuahua dashboard decoration.
6.) Tulica will have obliviously won the fight and will celebrate by asking for extra cheese.

So as hard as it is for me to admit, my secretary could technically beat up Tila Tequila.
Now you can finally continue your life.

Love, as always

Prudence

Inspired By Dan Aykin

My marketing consultant approached me recently (in a very professional manner) with questions about her life problems. She asked for my help and that is when it hit me. I can help her and thousands of other helpless souls across the interweb with my professional psychiatric evaluations. (By professional I mean I finally completed a Psych Bachelors degree at a Public University and spent one year longer than most students which clearly makes me overqualified) So:

Welcome all to Ask Prudence!!

Email your questions to askpp10@gmail.com, and I will decide if you are important enough to receive a publicly clinical diagnosis.