Tulica vs. Tila Tequila

Dear Prudence, I've been wondering. Who would win in a fight between your lowly secretary Tulica and bisexual megastar Tila Tequila?

Signed,
Annxiously Day-dreaming.


Dear Annxiously,

I have often had many day dreams of my insubordinate wretch of a secretary caught in the losing end of a lame chick fight. However I have seen the young woman hoover down a slice of pizza or two and that bitch don't share (sa-nap!) The only fair way to settle this is to go through a step by step scenario of what would happen.

1.) Tila would go up to Tulica and ask her to be on her new TV reality show about girls mistaken for low class prostitutes.
2.) A just slightly insulted Tulica will say "I thought Chihuahuas could only talk on Taco Bell commercials, BURN! sizzle sizzle". And then immediately after she will remember she is hungry and sincerely ask where the nearest Taco Bell is. (in case you are slow, Tulica is attempting to offend the G-list celeb by likening her to a small dog because she thinks they look alike and finds small dogs to be unsavory)
3.) Tila would say, around the corner on 14th but then her producer would tell her she is being insulted and she would consult her reality TV writers, I mean producers, on what an appropriate comeback would be.
4.) Meanwhile Tulica would be half a block away attempting a subtle "walk-run" trying to hide her T-bell excitement. (though any passerby can see the truth in her nacho crazed eyes)
5.) Tila will realize Tulica is gone, try to catch up with her own subtle walk run but find herself lagging (Tulica is quite fast when the right motivation is in place) and eventually get on all fours and try to dart across the street at a red light at which point she will be hit by a cab who ironically has a bobbing head Chihuahua dashboard decoration.
6.) Tulica will have obliviously won the fight and will celebrate by asking for extra cheese.

So as hard as it is for me to admit, my secretary could technically beat up Tila Tequila.
Now you can finally continue your life.

Love, as always

Prudence