The Art of War

This morning I brought in the most delectable lunchtime treat: leftover hanger steak from my favorite restaurant. I carefully wrote my name and today's date on the container and put it in the fridge at work. at 12 when I opened the fridge, my devourable lunch was no where to be found. Prudence, do you have any tips for tracking down this delinquent and bringing him or her to justice? And what is my poor, lonely stomach to do now?

Signed,
Hungry and Angry but still polite


Dear Hungry,

I am trying very hard to control myself from going into a blind rage. Just hearing of such an injustice makes my sexy blood boil. If you remember I was voted sexiest bloodtype during the 2004 celebrity blood drive. The poll was taken on the back of a napkin that accompanied my second cookie the nurse gave me after I pretended to faint because they were only giving one cookie per person. I won after me and my nurse voted. (My vote was weighted at 75%) and I suppose I use the term celebrity a bit loosely, meaning a person who gives blood is a sort of celebrity because they have "servants" watching over them.

Anyway back to the topic on hand. Of course you are aware that swift retributive action is in order. The French would guillotine, the Germans would Blitzkrieg, a cave man would throw a rock at the perps head then kick its lifeless body wondering why it stopped moving. I know this because I spent a summer apast my sophomore year of college. (Yes my University was so advanced that our study abroad programs included time travel. Take a moment to be impressed... and then a second to be jealous... and now you can continue reading.) But I think the most successful method would be to

OH MY GOSH. I just taught myself how to simultaneously whistle and hum. I can finally form the accapella group of my dreams. (which means all the members are me) More importantly I can quit my pointless day job of developing life-like artificial limbs for amputees. This group will obviously make me a lot more money, and will give back much more to society.

Sorry Hungry, as you can plainly see I have very important matters to attend to. Good luck with... uh... whatever your problem is I forgot, did you think you were fat? Ok go to the plus size section of K-mart, Kathleen Ireland has a fabulous selection of floral print floor length skirts, and elastic wasteband jeans. Oh, I only know this because someone told me, I'm thin and beautiful and never was fat. Especially not in fourth grade, and no one ever made fun of me for not being able to zip up my pants.

Love as Forever,

Prudence Press the 10th